It was a regular Spring day in April, when two pink lines first appeared on a pee-stick for us. Peter and I were both filled with shock, excitement and fear.
Is this for real?!? We kept asking each other in disbelief.
We began to talk about baby names, baby showers and due dates. We googled fun ways to share the news and imagined the responses of our family, laughing at the things we thought they might say. We bought pregnancy books, we talked to my belly, and we ate healthier foods.
Each day that passed, made it feel a tiny bit more real. Then one day, it happened.
I had a miscarriage.
All I could think was, yesterday my womb was filled with a growing person, my mind was crowded with baby names and nursery ideas but TODAY… Well today, my womb feels empty, baby-less and my mind just wants to forget the thoughts of yesterday.
The days, weeks and months that followed were very difficult to bare and are still a blur. While my body bounced back quickly, my spirit took much longer.
Hundreds of thousands of women experience miscarriages each year, but for some reason no one really talks about it. We shove those tragic days to the back of our minds because we are afraid of what might get stirred up in us if we talk about it.
Before experiencing it myself, I had only ever met one person who’d experienced this kind of loss. Turns out, there are many more women around me who have experienced miscarriages. The stories and words of these women have encouraged me and spoken to me in such a deep, profound way. Leaning on Jesus, my husband and our church community has brought me through the pain and enabled me to now share openly about that season in my life.
Share your feelings
Your feelings about things might change every day, one day you might feel angry, another day, sad and another day, hopeful. All of that is okay. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Peter and I talked about our feelings A.L.O.T. It bonded us and strengthened our marriage more than I can express.
One of the most healing things for us has been opening up and sharing our story with other couples, some who have and others who have not miscarried. Our friendships have strengthened through mourning together and bearing one another’s burdens.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2
Don’t pull away. Coping with this tragedy can be such a lonely and isolating experience. It would be so easy to just shut out the world and be alone.
Be alone, until the hurt stops.
But the hurt cannot and will not stop while you’re alone.
We were made to be with others, to be loved by others, encouraged by others, and served by others.
Pulling away and shutting out the world might feel good at first but it only hurts you & your spouse more, in the end. The pain is too much to bear alone. Allow your friends and family to support you through this time!
It’s not your fault
One of my first reactions was trying to pinpoint why and how this had happened. I started to blame myself, wondering what I could have done to cause this. I allowed lies to seep into my mind.
I must have stood too much at work.
I shouldn’t have pushed myself so hard.
Maybe I didn’t eat or drink enough.
I was slowly convincing myself that I somehow caused this terrible thing. If only I had done things differently I might still have an occupied womb.
These are all lies. If you have had a miscarriage, YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT. No matter how much you want to find an answer to help you make sense of things, you have to believe that YOU ARE NOT THE CAUSE. We live in a broken sin scarred world where terrible things happen everyday. Miscarriages happen because the world is broken, not because you did something wrong.
Stop the lies as they enter your mind and renew your mind with truth. Philippians 4:8
It’s Okay to Mourn (aka cry, scream, cry some more)
God did not make us stones, He created humans with emotions and feelings. Cry out to God with your feelings, He hears you and mourns with you.
I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live. Psalms 116:1-2
Allow all the time you need to grieve. It will take time to start feeling better but take heart, anyone who has experienced this will tell you that that, this is only a season. Even though it might feel like the pain is endless, IT WILL NOT LAST FOREVER.
Pray and rely heavily on Jesus. He has the power to heal and restore all things! Read through scripture allowing it to transform your mind and bring hope to your soul. In time, Jesus will heal your sorrowful heart and then, you’ll be there for others who have suffered as you have in a way that no one else could.
As I mourned my miscarriage, I felt embarrassed about my feelings. I felt like maybe I was supposed to feel relieved that I miscarried “early” and that I wasn’t farther along. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be hurting as much as others since I never got to hear my baby’s heartbeat or see his/her little body. I didn’t feel justified in my pain.
No matter how far along or early you were, everyone has the right to mourn the loss of an unborn child. I believe life is created at the moment of conception and that every unborn, is a person, with a soul.
Every life is sacred.
If you are currently going through the pain of a miscarriage, I pray that this post somehow ministers to you and that God would continue to heal you. I hope to post more about this topic in the future. There is not much to be joyful about when you’re going through this but there is one thing that always brought a smile to my face. That one thing is, knowing that my baby is praising Jesus, the creator of all things, at this moment.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.