Dear Big Sister

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Dear Big Sister,

Oh sweet child. I was worried for you when I found out I was pregnant with your sissy. I knew it would no longer be all about you. I knew I’d have to sacrifice our time together to care for another little human.

I was afraid you’d feel left out, unloved or worse- less loved. You were our first and only love for a while. We eagerly awaited each milestone; we filmed every moment and made most of our decisions based around you– your needs, your nap schedule, and your feeding times. You were our world, our sweet first born, the arrow in our quiver, our Harper Ray.

When Baby Sissy arrived, our world ceased to be all about you. Another arrow added to our quiver and life was never the same for you.

At first, you weren’t so sure.

Between the nursing, diaper changes, and swaddling, she needed me so much and you were just a baby, barely a year old. I struggled with guilt because I just couldn’t give you my full attention anymore.

There was a lot of, not right now Bug and maybe later Harper and mommy’s too tired, honey.

The guilt seemed to stack up quickly.

But with each passing day, your fondness for this tiny creature has increased. You wake up saying Sissy, thrilled to start your day together. You fall asleep just feet away from her and only after sharing many squeals and giggles. Both of you bounce in your cribs, facing one another in the fading daylight.

You’re the only one who can crack her up and keep her smiling on cranky days. The one she’s always watching, and the one she tries to keep up with.

My worry for you has vanished now, as I have seen God’s plan unfold. His plans for you were (and always will be), much greater than mine. I can see now, how much Sawyer’s life is growing you.

Her mere existence is stretching your soul.

Like a tool in the potter’s hand, He is using her to make you more loving, more independent and less self-focused.

Before for her, the needs of others did not exist in your world.

But with a little sis around, you have had many more opportunities to practice giving, to practice love and compassion. With each toy you share, each “sorry sissy” you speak and with each hand you reach out, Jesus is chiseling away. He’s molding you.

Increasing Himself, while decreasing you.

He must increase, but I must decrease. John 3:30

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Sometimes you don’t feel like sharing, sometimes you accidently-on-purpose knock her over and I know you get frustrated that you can’t ride her like a pony or that she doesn’t obey you.

Being a big sister has not only grown your character, it has also exposed your brokenness and deep desire to serve yourself. We didn’t have to teach you to scream mine, snatch toys from her or push her over. Everyone of these behaviors have come very naturally. But don’t you worry my sweetness.

The unveiling of your corrupt heart, is a marvelous thing because it leads you to something beautiful.

Without first recognizing the condition of our hearts we have no hope. It is when our brokenness is revealed that we realize our desperate need for something bigger than us,

something more than us,

holier than us,

and more loving than us.

We are in need of healing, forgiveness and redemption.

We need the Gospel. You need the Gospel.

And so my precious firstborn, the best and most amazing thing about sisterhood, is that through your lifetime it will lead you to your precious savior. I can already see Him working through her existence in your life, as you become gentle, motherly, compassionate, and sacrificial.

Together, we shall see sisterhood as a sweet sweet gift from the Lord. Not only because of all the fun it will be– the endless sleepovers, the built in best friend, or the sharing clothes but because in a way, she is making you great.

Sisterhood will bring innumerable opportunities to experience repentance, grace and forgiveness. It will bring the Gospel to life, regularly. For this, we shall praise His name. I once feared that sisterhood would harm you, but

I can see now, that Jesus will use her to lead you to the cross. And what a beautiful thing that is. 

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